The Most Important Thing.

"Commit thy way unto the Lord:trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37:5

I am not a perfectionist. To be very honest, I am too absent minded to be. I would live in the land of discouragement if I tried to do everything with perfection.
That does not mean I give a half A$$ JOB.

I forget my keys, my purse, where I put my money, my phone and if my brain wasn't enclosed I am pretty sure I would dance around singing "If I Only Had a BRAIN"!

I would love the idea of being great at everything I do. I work hard, I aim high, I dislike mediocracy, However, I am not great at everything and there are many things I am totally not good at. And I am TOTALLY fine with that.

I believe God has given us different talents and different skills. We are all unique in our own way.

I am a bit broken right now. My training is still moving forward but a lot more intentional.

Life is busy. I am being disassembled in many directions. Torn apart and trying to remain whole. Trying to have a great attitude and maintain balance.

"RUNNING, RUNNING is the most important thing." Unless you are a runner you would take this simple fragmented sentence and run with it.

Before you run too far...Hear me out.

I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter. I am a follower of Christ, I am a employee, a friend, a Stylist, a youth leader, Support leader to families with loved ones addicted to drugs.

I am a RUNNER.

Running isn't my everything. But it is a who GOD made Me.
He gave me these legs, the passion, the heart to RUN. To Give HIM the Glory in every mile, In Every Victory, In Every Failure, Every injury, Every medal. HE GAVE it all too me. To Honor him, to Glorify him.

Balance.

I do my best putting my Family and my Faith first. I work VERY hard to respond to both their NEEDS ands WANTS. 

But RUNNING is THEN the most important thing.

Running today with Lacey I was telling her how IMPORTANT it is to make sure I am getting my training in. It is the MOST important thing. She holds her hand up to stop me and tells me a story that had just happened to her. She responded to someone saying "RUNNING, RUNNING is EVERYTHING. She totally connected with what I was saying. The heart of a runner.

Training. It is intentional. It holds NO excuses. You can't squeeze training in. You get up early and you go to bed early. You don't spend 6 hours shopping on a long run day. You don't willy nilly your runs.
You plan your runs like you schedule a DR.s appointment.
You grit them out. Sometimes they SUCK and sometimes they ROCK. But you get it DONE!

I am not great at everything. But I am dedicated. I work HARD at the things that are important and give myself grace in the other areas.

AND I Fail OFTEN. Then I get back up and try again or realize it wasn't mine to try at all!

I Sacrifice A lot for my Running. I don't sacrifice my Family or my Faith.

Running is my Gift. It is something God has given me. I am not that great at it. I but give my all.
Running is Most Important because it is more than lacing up.

Running is Perseverance. It reminds me in life to NEVER give up.
Running is Grit. It reminds me sometimes life hurts, you have to learn to bear a little pain to see HIS purpose.
Running is Commitment. It reminds me of Integrity. Its following through what you say you are going to do.
Running is Humility. It is when you are completely empty, depleted, hurting, sore, broken that you know you are reminded you need God.

Running is the Most Important Thing. You commit, you dedicate, you persevere, You don't give up when it hurts or your discouraged. You pick it up, wipe away the pouty pants and finish what you started.

Rundown:
Distance: 8.01
Pace: 8:54
Concerned I may have SHIN SPLINTS! Yup, I said it. Prayers welcomed. If you think to pray for a runner..I'm your girl!
Anita

Suck-Fest: 21 miles

Mitchell Farms.

Sunday is Long RUN day.
21 miles on the books.

My son had a basketball tournament all weekend in Dearborn. My bad attitude may have begun last night. After getting scolded at work for not charging someone properly for their color, I headed to his tournament, trying to stay positive. Unfortunately, my GPS kept taking me to a Veterinary Clinic in a rough area giving room for my positive behavior to be sabotaged.

It all worked out, but we had to be back this morning. After a ugly loss I headed back home to run with Lacey.

My legs have been hurting this week. I brought my miles down as well as my pace this week to accommodate and "Listen to my body".

I had a lot of reservations about running today. I was praying my legs would miraculously be strong, pain free and I would rock out 21 miles.

Heading to Laceys at 12:10, I knew I was overdressed. This was the beginning of my whine-fest which lead to my Suck Fest.
At mile 2.3, with Lacey I dropped my jacket off on her porch.

Heading back towards our house I had to stop again.
At mile 5, I ran in to change my short sleeve shirt  for a tank top because I was overheating so fast.

One of the barns on the farm. This is off N. Holly rd.

At mile 10, we were running out of water. I didn't want to stop because it was getting harder to start back up again. We turned down Mitchell road. We asked a farmer watering his plants if he had a spicket we could refill out bottles.

We filled up and tried to calculate our miles we had to run and needed to run. Math is NOT my strong suit. Running and adding is a sure FAIL.  Lacey and I struggle calculating our runs and often need to add miles.

We headed up N.Holly road towards Belford RD. The WHINING was starting with the 1/2 mile incline.

My knee was hurting, the hill sucked and I was only half way there.

My mind started getting the best of me. As my body began to disperse aches and pains my confidence began to dwindle.

I wasn't much for conversation. My Garmin announced it was low on Battery and I felt the same.

The cars were really ticking me off as they flew by us engulfing us in a dust bomb.
Just another thing to whine about.

We had to add 3 different side streets for mileage because we kept miscalculating. We were a mile from my house but only at 19.5 miles.
I was DONE.
I was SORE.
My Garmin DIED.
I had a random SIDE STITCH
My legs HATED me.
I hated ME.
And I had to add distance PAST my street home. I had to buck up.
I pretended it was Mile 23 of my Marathon and I HAD to get through. "HEY! 8:25 min/mi, Slow down..." Lacey shared. Lacey has learned how I get on these long runs. I just wanted to be DONE.
I felt strong until that hill a half a mile from home. "I'M WALKING IT!"
Lacey was very encouraging but way stronger than I feeling. She so kindly let me walk it.
We ran that last mile in maintaining a 9min//mi.

Today was one of those runs you just struggle. Our average pace was 9:25, this was great. But it felt terrible most of the time.

Last week, I babied my body to allow me to be able to run this run. I think I need to baby my body some more!

Honey Stingers. LONG RUN Necessity!

Anita

Old Dog New Tricks: Consistency PRT 2

No Great Thing is Created Suddenly." Epictetus

The older I get the more my body is on high alert to the simplest change. I find that keeping up with my routine is my best route to prevent a barrage of issues.
EXAMPLE:

• If I don't continue to run regularly, it is harder for me to get back on my game.
• If I do too much, too hard, I feel it for too long!
• When I am not consistent, I find it easier to make excuses and slack more.

I think of the saying "It is hard to teach an OLD DOG new tricks." Well, This OLD BODY does better with Consistency, Repetition.

Being consistent in your running needs to start with HABIT. Not FINDING the time, rather MAKING the TIME.

Learning new habits takes Consistency. Then it takes Persistence. The longer you stay on the path of Consistency the more you will learn and grow from.

You will move from Persistence to Sacrifice. From Sacrifice to Commitment. From Commitment to Grit. From Grit to Victory.

You will watch your training go from beginner to beyond anything you thought you were capable of.

There are so many character gains as well as physical and mental challenges you will aspire to if you can make the first step: CONSISTENCY.

The only way to define your limits is to go beyond them. You don't know what you are capable of if you don't first learn how to RUN REPEAT RUN.

When I first started running, I ran 3-4 days a week. I didn't run with anyone. I didn't even know people ran together. I didn't have running shoes, a Garmin or even running clothes. My husband bought me a Nike+. He taught me how to calibrate it. I duck taped the sensor to my shoes because I couldn't afford the Nike Shoes with the pouch in the bottom.

Because life was getting consistently more stressful I found that it was easy to be consistent in my running. I could go when I wanted, all I had to do was lace up and the sidewalks never ended. I didn't have one of these fancy Jogger Strollers for my boys. I literally ran with them in a Red wagon, pulling them through town.

Each week, I would add another mile "For the Heck of it". I wasn't training for anything but it just became habit. Until one day, I realized I could run 20 miles. It wasn't until that day that I realized I was a RUNNER.

The more consistent you are in running the less you will struggle to maintain your athleticism. You should be able to reach your goals easier if you maintain a steady running routine.

I ran into a old running partner of mine at Krogers last week. "Heidi". She shared with me that she had put running on the back burner for a while but MAINTAINED her fitness in other areas.

When her sister asked her to run 6 easy miles "Heidi" agreed thinking she wouldn't have a hard time. She explained that she had to walk and had really tuckered out.

"Heidi" laughed as she said "There is NOTHING like RUNNING!"

SHEBA ACTUALLY CRAWLED IN AND LAYED IN THE BLACK MUCK. WHEN WE GOT HOME,MY PHONE RANG AND I WAS NOT AWARE SHE HAD WENT INTO THE HOUSE. SHE SHOOK HER BODY SPRAYING BLACK MUD EVERYWHERE!

RUNDOWN:

Distance: 3 miles

* My body is pretty beat up. Sunday was 20 miles, Monday I ran between my run of over 14 miles and running with the XC kids I had closer to 17 miles. Tuesday would normally be a day of rest but due to coaching XC I had to run with the kids adding another 3+ miles. I played it smart and only ran 3 miles. I took my boxer to Sorenson park, unleashed her and let her run with me.

She took off like a racer. Sheba is very good about staying close. The only problem was she would come up from behind me and like a bat out of H*!! she would bolt past me. I could hear her coming up behind me full throttle. I couldn't get out of her way fast enough, with out knowing what side she would pass me I jumped to the right...So did she. SHE took me OUT! I went up 3 feet in the air and down sliding through the sand.

She knew what she did, coming back to check on me with her head down. She is too cute to bark at, I wasn't hurt, I just laughed at her.

"Disciplines weighs ounces, Regret weighs tons."

ANITA~

CONSISTENCY: Part 1.

Last Saturday I ran the Martian Marathon.
Today I ran 20 miles. 20 miles of hills, heat, dirty dusty back roads and it was AWESOME!
My body was very forgiving until about mile 16. Then every fiber in me started barking. I wanted to just finish.
Lacey ran along side me like a shadow. Our feet hit the dirt road the same, our arms moved rhythmically, pumping harder as we came to another hill. We both sighed, discouraged and determined all in one breath, one very labored breath.

The heat felt great, or maybe it was running in shorts and tank tops that was so wonderful. Truth be told we ran out of water at mile 13. We found a cemetery with a pump. The water was cold and refreshing. We were grateful as we chugged down a mouthful of gritty mineral well water.
We had a layer of  dirt crusted in our sweat.  And I have officially received my first Irish sun burn. I don't have enough Mexican blood to prevent the red lines across my arms and chest.

We ran down dirt roads we had never taken. Horse farms, old barns, wetlands, and DOGS!
My heart drops when I hear the bark of a dog. And I pretty much loose my bowels when I see them running towards me. Especially when it is a PITBULL.

"LACEY!!!!" Lacey ran ahead of me, I froze with fear. I tried so hard to be courageous as I shuffled forward on the opposite side of the street.  I didn't know what to do. He was running on the  inside a fence on our right. This massive grey pitbull was moving way faster than we were, he was coming to the end of the property and turning onto the dirt road towards us.
I heard Lacey yell, "IS HE NICE??"
By now he was running towards me.
"OH GOD..."
He came right up to me.
"NITA, keep walking." Lacey yelled to me.
I tried to be brave.
He was running back and forth to me as I moved slowly forward.
My voice quivered "Hi there buddy, hi..."
The dog started licking me hands.
The owner was out now with her other 2 other dogs. She grabbed the pitbull and held onto him mentioning that he was just a puppy, 2 years old. I looked at her and said "Is it OK to run forward?"
As I looked at him it was so awkward, he must have gotten a little flirty as he was showing off a big old RED Rocket.
"Yes, You can run." she replied. And BOY DID WE!

As we picked off those last couple miles our pace picked up. It was silent, our thoughts merged without vocals. The unspoken plan. We spoke in incomplete sentences, enough disconnected words to know but not to many to waste our energy.

RUNDOWN:
Distance:Total 21 Miles. We did a shake out. I.
Pace: 9:10
Ultimately very pleased with this run. There is something magical about SUNSHINE. It feels so good. Until a car flies by you kicking up a dust storm! But even then the Dust settles and your back in love again!

CONSISTENCY!!!!!!
MILES RAN FROM MARATHON: 35.3. I remember my first marathon I couldn't walk for 2 weeks. It is incredible how much more I am capable of doing.
IF YOU WANT TO RUN, RUN. The only way to get better at running is to RUN. There is NOTHING like RUNNING.

"The Worst Enemy of GOOD is BETTER."

ANITA

Martian Marathon 2016 RECAP.

It has taken me a few days to do my recap for this race because I have just now DETHAWED.

Saturday marked my 12th and COLDEST MARATHON.

I had a hotel in Allen Park, about 3.5 miles from the starting line. Holly, Lacey, Rachel and I camped together for the night. We met at the expo to get out bibs, get dinner and head to the room.
Holly doesn't know me too well. I think I may have left a lasting impression on her.

I talk to everyone, I cut up, laugh it up, loosen up and don't shut up. Lacey is used to me, she would give a smirk at my shenanigans while the other girls didn't know if they should laugh at me or commit me. We had a great time together.

Saturday morning the weather was exactly as they had been predicting. STUPID COLD and WINDY. 12' with the windchill.
Let me just tell you, this little Latino is not a fan of cold weather and this was about 40' degrees colder than my limits for cold.

I was the only one in the group running the marathon. I was trying to be quiet but later found out that I woke everyone up.

I was not running this marathon for me, I was running this for Joan. This was Joans FIRST Marathon. I had written her training program, ran with her and I was going to run this along side her, embracing every mile with her.
I had been looking forward to this for weeks. The last long run I ran with Joan, I knew she was going to have an EPIC experience.

Joan and her gang were waiting for me in the lobby. Together, we would drive to the starting line. Marathon runners were given special parking right at the start. This was especially awesome because we literally could walk out of a warm car onto the starting line.
And that is pretty much what we did!

The marathon was much smaller with about 250 participants. I was surprised by the low number. I had heard many reviews that the course was nothing to write home about. It was boring and quiet, no big cheering sections.
The Course was a OUT and BACK. I was especially looking forward to seeing the other runners, this always encourages me. The benefits of being an Extrovert. More People=More Energy!


Before we started it was nice to see Fritz. I see him at a few of the local races. Fritz ran with Joan and I a few miles before he smoked us at the Clarkston Backroads.
The start was pretty melodramatic. We were off heading into the wind.

The first 7 miles were horrible. It was like sorcery. We ran with the wind beating the snot literally out of us. To add injury to insult we ran through this neighborhood what seemed like circles. Turns and side roads, around and around we went thinking that the next turn the wind would be at our back. It was never at our back, it was chasing us, tormenting us with 20mph winds.

We thought mathmetically the turn around would be at mile 13. We tried to focus on that magic number.
We came out of a water station and we hear this guy. "Hey, you girls have a lot to talk about, I think I will join you two."
He must have overheard us talking about "Just get to the 13 mile mark." He informed us that the turn around point was at mile 16!
It took time for me to process this evil piece of information. Afterall, we were currently running on Hynes Drive with no protection from the cold or the wind. I felt like I had lost a layer of my face. I thought of that song "I cant feel my face...." by The Weekend.
My hands were warm with overwhelming gratitude to Rachel. Rachel had passed out toe warmers for our hands.  My hands were at least "TOESTY"!
The water stations were not serving just water, they were serving water slushies. The volunteers on Hynes drive were like Angels. They were in the elements, unprotected and battleing the brutal temps as gift to us runners. They really were amazing.

Coming towards the turn around, Joan and I not only lost the guy who joined us, we also passed 2 other guys we had been following. The Guy who was chatting before he dropped back made a statement "I don't know what it is about woman, I think they have the advantage because the can bear more pain, I always get passed by woman at the end."

The winds picked up adding heavy snow blasts at us. Joan and I were grunting, mumbling but not able to make complete sentences. We must have looked as bad as we felt. Other runners that had made the turn encouraged us "Make the turn, it'll be better."

The difference was night and day as me made that turn. We actually had a little more pep we needed to managed. Our effort level allowed us to run faster but we tried to hold on and maintain our 8:45 pace until closer to the 20 mile mark.

I was hoping at the turn around I would see Michelle. I follow her blog and have had the opportunity to see her at a couple races too.  Michelle has been battle a terrible case of Plantar Fasciitis. But Michelle never mentioned NOT running. I just KNEW I would see her.

I see this tall blonde ahead of me..Hmm Michelle??
Yup, I nailed it. As I passed her I looked behind me and sure enough it was HER! I was so happy to have RUN into HER!


The 20 mile marker came and went with Joan looking forward to the 22 mile mark. This would mark the farthest she had ever run!

Joan was happy to see the 22 mile marker but was not as chatty. She was focusing a lot on our pace. She was wanting me to slow down. The problem was we were slowing down at the aid stations and I knew it. This meant I had to pick up our pace to try and maintain our pace. I really wanted her to have negative split.
I knew Joan was capable of this pace. I knew she was hitting the wall. I just had to get her over it.
She was hurting.
I shared that I needed her to pick it up that last 5K. If she wanted to reach her 3:50 goal she was going to have to get comfortable with pain.

I encouraged her. I reminded her that "The pain with part of the process and part of the Glory."
We passed two more guys we had been following.

We came through a park like setting with a paved path. I did my thing "FIRST TIME MARATHONER coming through!!" The path with being ran by both half marathoners and marathoners heading to the finish. I shouted it again. Runners cheered her on and let us pass through.
Joan was a couple steps behind me. "COME on Joan, Stay with me." I kept looking over my shoulder. She stayed close.

Mile 24 and 25 were nasty. Through the winding path, up a ridiculous hill, onto the busy hwyway and over some rollers that actually felt like MT. Everest.
Joan maintained her pace through it all.
I had her shaving seconds off the last couple miles, I know she was feeling it.
She was focused.
"WHERE is MILE 25?" Her anger was raging. "Relax, breath, its here." Every marathon I have ever done there is always a mile marker that gets lost. Your disoriented, discouraged and desperately wanting to be DONE.
When mile 25 came, so did Joans zeal.
She picked it up more determined than ever. I knew she had it.
We picked off runners, mostly half marathoners. There is an energy you draw from this.
With the Finish line in sight she picked it up, stayed strong and zeroed in the the FINISH.

Lacey, Rachel, Holly were shouting and cheering us on. It was the BEST to hear them cheering us on. Lacey was snapping pictures and jumping up and down.

She Finished with nothing left in the tank. But overflowing with VICTORY!

I seriously have the best running friends EVER. It was BITTER cold and Lacey waited 40 minutes in the cold to see us at the finish.
All the girls were there. Rachel and Holly didn't even know Joan and they waited shivering in the frigid temps to see us finish.

SHE DID IT! She met her goal!
The Marathon was a success.
Our mile splits were SPOT on.

Thank You for those that prayed for us, encouraged us and supported us.

OUT OF THIS WORLD MEDAL! LOVED THE SHIRT AS WELL. IT WAS A SHORT SLEEVE. THE FINISHER FOOD WAS ALSO EQUALLY AS GOOD. THIS WAS A GREAT RACE BUT FOR THE RECORD...

ONE AND DONE!!!

NEXT STOP: CLEVELAND MARATHON: MAY!

Anita

Next Stop Martian Marathon

Saturday will be my 2nd marathon for the year.

Martian Marathon: Dearborn, Mi.
7:15am

The last couple weeks are Taper Weeks. I just had to get one more long run in on Sunday. I couldn't leave Lacey running alone!

Sunday:
Distance: 14.20miles
Pace: 9:04
We ran the last 4 miles @ a  sub 9 and the last 2 miles threshold @ a sub 8:30. We were both super stoked by this run. The last 4 miles were very quiet except for some heavy breathing.
Monday: 2miles EASY with my XC kids.
Wednesday: Hubby invited me to join him for a run. 5 miles easy
Thursday: Lacey and I ran 4 miles around town. We had to add walk breaks because for some reason my legs were itching to move.

Joan and I back in the Fall at Clarkston Backroads

Today was MASSAGE day. I had a gift certificate to LaVida. I called at the last minute and all they had was a MAN! AHHH!
"John". He was very professional and kind. He was about 6 feet tall about 50 years old. It was one of the best massages I have had in a long time. I chuckled when he asked "SO this isn't your first massage?"
I replied "NO, No, I get them often."
His response caught me off guard and made me laugh, to MYSELF. "Oh GOOD, I didn't want you to  have any SURPRISES."
I kept waiting for some SURPRISE and hoping I didn't notice any at the same time.
My biggest surprise was that it lasted 55 minutes. This is longer than normal. I liked having a man massage me because they don't talk. I don't like to talk, I like to lay there and drool.

Lacey and I, She is running the half. 2 days to go!

Friday Night
Heading to The Best Western Greenfield Village with the girls tomorrow after I get done coaching.
Expo, get our bibs.
Dinner.
BED.

Fritz is supposed to be out there too!

The Plan For The Martian:
I am so honored to have Joan ask me to run next to her for her first Marathon. I made her a training plan several weeks ago. I was so proud of her, she held strong to her training.
I had the privilege to run 2 of her long runs with her. This gave me a gauge towards what I could pace her at.
Upon speaking to her this evening HERE is the GOAL:
HER GOAL: 4 hour marathon averaging 9-9:15min/mi.
My Goal for her is a 3:50 marathon  8:50min/mi.
She is young, strong and determined. She is going to meet her dream and go beyond.

I just can not explain how thrilled I am to run her first marathon with her. This is one of my favorite runs. Watching someone's dreams come true and not just watching but being part of their dream.

I get chill bumps and all girly thinking about being along side of her.

Saturday she is going to test her body beyond anything she has ever done. She is going to push her limits, running on fear and faith. Fear that drives you, inspires your, provokes your inner animal. Faith that humbles you, that breaks you and builds you into something you never that you were capable of being.

Phil: 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who Strengthens ME."

Please keep us in Prayer. To stay injury free, to stay strong in Faith and in Mind. Physical strength starts in the mind.
Strong Mind: Strong Body.

BIB NUMBER 1211

Michelle, I hope to see you out there too!
Anita

A Little Peice of Me: I Didn't Know

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

 2Timothy 4:7  

I went to bed sad, confused and hurt. My oldest son left on his first mission trip, all of which is good. All but the part that he was so hurtful with his words right before he left. I know he is a teenager, I was one once too. And I was a very mouthy one, far worse that my son.

I snuck off to bed quietly. I fell asleep with my phone in my hands playing Word with Friends. This is my way of distracting my thoughts. But sleep never lasts long.

2am. I tossed and turned trying to fall back to sleep. My mind was open and memories were flooding me. I grabbed my phone and played some games trying not to think about my past, my childhood.
Why were these memories waking me? Why couldn't I distract my thoughts?

I thought of me as a mother, and me as a child with a mother who struggled being a mother.

I was little.  I wore spit curls with bobby pins or sponge rollers when my mom did my hair.

I see images. But A lot of Disconnection. Forgive me for not knowing all the details.

Half Irish- Half Mexican.

I had tussled mid length brownish auburn hair. Deep brown eyes and light olive skin.
We lived in some rundown apartments in Hazel Park. Only my mother, no fathers. Three children,3 fathers.
The neighborhood was grubby. The sidewalks were cracked and un-kept. The neighborhood homes had patchy grass and unmaintained yards. Our apartment had a fenced-in play ground with no grass. It had a rusty swing set and loose sand everywhere. Scattered, dingy toys.
I didn't know to be scared. I didn't know to have fear. I didn't know not to trust.
I Didn't Know.

I just knew to play. Like all little girls. I loved riding that plastic bike all over the neighborhood. I would get the front tire moving so fast it would spin in place. I could hit the break and make it spin out!

I believe my brother and sister were there, but I can never locate them in my memories. My brother has always been my hero. And my lil sister was always my best friend even though I wasn't a good sister to her.
We had an old beat up big wheel. I would ride it up and down the sidewalks. I would play outside all day, never wanting to go inside. I had dirt in my nails, hair and I never noticed. Our cousins lived around the block and would occasionally come out and make fun of us. I never understood what they were trying to say.

I didn't understand my mother was not really mothering. She was doing the best she could with the demons that haunted her. My mother was a beautiful person, but alcohol had a terrible grip on her. I didn't know she was supposed to be feeding us, bathing us, reading books to us, teaching us. I didn't know she was supposed to know where we were or even play with us. And I know she did this at times of sobriety.
I was never hurt by her because I never knew.
I Never Knew.
I never knew our cockroach infested apartment was not fit for children. Or that at 4 or 5 I shouldn't have been climbing cupboards to find food.
I Didn't Know.

I never knew any different.
There were families actually eating together. Families that drank milk out of a carton not out of powder.  Children that never knew what it was like to be hungry. I never knew what air conditioning was when I slept on the floor with a sheet under me and a sheet over me.

I never knew any different.

But I do now.

I am not a perfect mother, but I try to be the best mother I can. I do almost all the cookie cutter motherly things I know of.
Yes, slip up and emotionally say and do things "good mothers" should never do or say.
And still when my son looks at me I feel like a failure.

I want to open a fifth like my mom,  I want to scream profanities or swallow a handful of pills in pity.
I want to run away in defeat.

But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.

Acts 20:24

That little girl is who I am. I may not have known any different on the ways of the world but I knew one thing.

Never be defined by chaos.

I will not give up, give in or give myself away.

I will dig deeper, pray harder, and persevere.

I am not who I was, I will not allow you to define me and I no longer care if you don't accept me.

I will fight all of hell, I will fight to the death, or I will Die trying.

I am not ashamed of my childhood, I am not embarrassed of my parents, I hold no grudges.

Memories haunt me, demons chase me, my past catches up to me, but it does not OWN ME.

I am reminded of Grace, Mercy and Love through every tear, every heartache and every anxious thought.

The only place I will run is Deeper into His arms.

I will not quit.

Out of breath, beaten, blundered, neglected, abused and confused I will not quit.

Anita

SIDE NOTE- THIS was NOT my entire childhood. I had many chapters in my life. This one may have lasted a year, maybe even 2. Some years were better, some years were not. The purpose of this post was not to have anyone feel sorry for me. I believe Everything works for His Purpose. It was to share that We are NOT defined by our Past, That we are overcomers, and to Never Never quit.
It is to remind us to LOVE, To Forgive, To move forward.
LIFE WILL MAKE YOU BITTER OR LIFE WILL MAKE YOU BETTER.